It has been really long since I last updated the blog. Just feel like maybe I should really write down my feelings instead of keeping it to myself.
Firstly, studies. I have finished my A Levels in Sunway University College, time for me to move on. However I had really really really huge dilemma in choosing the path that I wanna pursue in future. Australia- chemical engineering or pharmacy? UK- medicine or microbiology? Local- medicine? Should I even consider business? I have not make up my mind. Previously talking to lecturers, friends many people, but they could not help me. Actually nobody can help me because at the end of the day I'm the one that have to make the decision. I just do not wanna face it. Aaron made me really sit down and think about my future. What I get back is not answers but headache. A severe one til I have to swallow 3 panadols to make it go away. Could not sleep, could not even stand up to find panadols that night. Life's really not that easy. I do not know why I hang on to chemical engineering for 5 years. Is it really because I like physics and the course, or it is just because I know that I would earn decent living to support my siblings in future? I have huge responsibilities and sometimes I just could not take it. Aunts concerned looks and family's advice, everybody is watching me making my decision. I do not know what to do and I do not want to disappoint them. Being in the centre of attention for this kinda thing is not what I need. I'm just a normal kid. I need time to think or please somebody decide it for me. I'm scared that one fine day in future, I'll look back and regret, scolding myself for making this kinda decision.
Secondly, Sunway. A place full of bittersweet memories. Freaking tempted to just accept Monash offer, study medicine and stay there longer. Too many possible reasons for me to stay there. But I know, staying in a place full of memories, yet cannot even make things happen, I would go crazy in no time. For the past 2 weeks I have been experiencing enough. The feelings of being so useless and cannot do anything to change any freaking thing, its so damn hurt. Well, I could not blame anyone or anything for what that have happened. Someone used to say, everything happens for a freaking reason and I damn hope the reason is reasonable. I'll dedicate the bittersweet memories there in another post.
Thirdly, time flies. I have an awesome and most probably the best bday I've ever had in these years. All my friends they remembered my bday and celebrated with me. Firstly, my beloved housemates! Lavinia Kong texted me on 27/11 saying that we are celebrating Yan Ying's bday and asked me to go back hostel. I went back and she was out. Other housemates gave me presents they bought for me in Langkawi. Suddenly, Lavinia entered the unit with a bday cake with the guys behind her singing Happy Bday song. Thank you buddies! I miss you guys damn much. Ky, Twinkle, Lavi, Shi ying, Yan ying, Daphne, yi han, kee, jeihin, jonathan, man hong etc. They were there for me and Im seriously touched! Awesome friends! Thank you you all for the presents, for the memories and for being there <3 p="">
Thank you Ruby for spending a day with me in IOI Boulevard. Had a wonderful lunch with you at Sukishi eating buffet. Hey girl, seriously, you should eat more! too skinny d! We went and find empty boxes for me to move out from SMR too. Sis! Thank you for everything. Memories in Ausmat, studying together and psychology too! I miss the time I sleepover at your place :p Hope u and Jevon would be happy always yah! Stay sweet buddy (:
Next in line would be Krystal Voon and the gang! Kim, though I just know you, you're a damn nice girl. The only thing is that you always bully my baby turtle! ): Krystal Voon! Chabo! Thank you for being a great sis and lending me ears when I needed it. Talking late night, sharing thoughts,sleepover, shopping, selfies and everything. My life in Sunway would not be great without u there. Thank you for helping me to move out from my unit on 30/11~ One phone call and this girl come with taxi to help me. Sibeh touched! Thank you Adrian for being there with me when I was damn down and sad. Thank you for telling me stuffs that you would not tell anyone else. Really, I appreaciate our friendship damn much! stay happy with her k :p
Followed by Kinji, Stephanie and Vicky. Thank you for being such awesome friends and spending the night with me in Starbucks celebrating my bday. I have too much things to say to you guys. You guys are always there. Kinji, thanks for the days and time we spent together. You're the one that can make me cry and laugh at the same time. And only in front of you would I cry like a baby releasing stress. Sharing all my thoughts and my days in school. Thank you. Steph n Vicky, pls stay sweet! I remember we used to hand out, dinner, supper, shopping, play pool many other stuffs! I miss you guys! ):
Then, thank you chiah chiah :D for the awesome bday lunch treat at Tony Romas with your sweet babies! (: Night time spent eating buffet at your house, celebrating Isaiah full moon party and also Isaac's 2nd year old bday. (:
Awesome degree CC kaki : Conrad, Kenneth, Jun Wei. Miss you guys lots too. Miss Kenneth's house more though ;p thank you for all the things you guys have done.Especially when u guys brought me to JPA office to settle my things and the dinner we ate at JOGOYA <3 dare="" dont="" fei="" forget="" guys="" hahahha="" nbsp="" p="" to="" u="">
Thank you everybody for being in my life (:
Monday, December 16, 2013
Sunday, April 14, 2013
心事
一星期里 总会有这么一天
看见一直以来 自己所忽略的事情
就好像 自从开始了这一段路程 自己选择封闭自己
不掺朋友 不是故意的 只是发现自己和他们没有共同话题 没有办法和他们一起谈谈
这一切 都是从ALSCO起
自从被他们看不起 就没有办法看得起自己
总觉得 自己什么都不是
不喜欢 真的很不喜欢这里
想离开 但又离不开 这种感觉 很不好受
慢慢的 我好像没有了所谓的知心朋友 只好找回从前的朋友
每一个人都moved on了 只剩下我一个在原地 一直往后看
和琦的关系 很像没有那么好了 还是从来都没有很好过？ 我不懂
她的事 我不知道
我已经不是她最好的朋友了吧 是我封闭自己 不能怪其他人
跟Yan Ying的关系 越来越差
每次跟她笑 她都不理
我想 我是累了 不知道自己做错了什么 不想修补了
我安慰自己 没关系的
再过7个月 我们就各走各的了 也没差那一段时间
我不想问 而想她们把事情 自己和我分享 不想烦她们
所以 不回家
我 很空虚。
Sunday, December 23, 2012
曾经
曾经 我也是哪个为了钢琴疯狂的女孩
每天弹钢琴 一首接一首 不停地锻炼手指
不断提升自己
坐在钢琴前别人说什么我都听不见
说什么也不想停下来
如今 没有钢琴的日子 过了快一年了
起初的热情 到哪去了？
每天弹钢琴 一首接一首 不停地锻炼手指
不断提升自己
坐在钢琴前别人说什么我都听不见
说什么也不想停下来
如今 没有钢琴的日子 过了快一年了
起初的热情 到哪去了？
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
The past
It had been ages since i last visited and write down my feelings my thoughts.
Everything is so freaking different nowadays, not to say that I've made a crazy decision to quit ausmat and go on my a levels life but then i dont know. Sometimes i feel lost. And I really dont know what I'm doing. What I'm aiming for. What I'm really meant for. And what freaks me out is that the path that im heading to is not an easy path but a path to the top universities. They told me all those top students used to break down in their university life before they are even successful. They were lost. They forgot what drove them there. They could not find reasons to hang on, to move on and at that moment of life they feel senseless. But the point is, I have been trying really damn hard, to prove to everyone that I'm not like them, that I'm special, that I'm capable in dealing my own problems. And. It doesnt work.
It really doesn't work. I dont want to be like any of them. I dont want to feel senseless, to feel empty and lost. I actually hated the thought of being weak. I deny my weakness. I deny my unabilities. I dont wanna see through it and admit that I'm not strong enough. In actual fact I dont want anybody to even recognise a slight weakness in me and that is why. That is the exact reason that make me weak. The mind cept that do not wanna surrender, to not wanna lose, the so called kiasu-ness in me. This spirit can be powerful and useful but it did the opposite to me. And so. I broke down. I succumbed to failure.
The faces burnt in my memory. The way they convey their messages through the way they look at me, through their body language, through their very choice of words. FUCK. I know I'm not good enough, I'm not fit to be in there so what. Get up and walk out of the door. The very minute I'm out of the room, i was surrounded by crowds, peers. Their look and the hope of further questioning me about the session drives me nuts. The moment one asked how was it, I screamed inside my heart. I barked, "Nothing better!" and stormed off. My vision blurred. The frustration and anger enveloped me. I could not think and the tears in my eyes scalded me. It hurts. It really does. I could not hold on anymore, not even a second. As the familiar ringtone rang, I answered in difficulty. It's almost impossible for me to figure out what the other party had been babbling about, not with all the furies and fire burning in me. In the midst of mapping what the other party was saying, I kept breathing in and out, trying to calm down, trying to cool my emotions and getting control over them. I figured my way to the dark alley and continued to walk, faster and faster. I ended up bursting into tears. Releasing my wrath, my depression, my sentiments.
As the tears flowed down my cheek, so do my hope draining out of me. I fell into a pit of darkness where I could not see myself and fear engulfed me. The sentence "anyone out there could be better than you. I do not see the point of including you into the team" and the scene replayed a zillion times in my head. The more I wanted to get it out of me the harder it turned out to be. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps I do not belonged here. Maybe I shouldn't have taken up the challenge because I could not conquer it. And she warned me against it already. It was my choice that I got into that situation. The situation where all my weaknesses are exposed and I was there opened up like a cheap magazine waiting for people criticize and tear me apart. And they were welcomed to do that. In fact, in the society everyone is like a hungry tiger that longed to rip anyone into pieces as soon as their mistakes had been spotted and verified. This is the materialistic part of the world, the one that we are not aware of or more appropriately protected from, by our parents and elders.
As time passes, the cruel facts started sinking in our heart. Though we might not like it but there they are, all lying out there for us to discover. It is like figuring your way towards paradise, towards your dreams, but the path, it is fulled with grenade buried underground. One single step that you accidentally took, Boom. It goes off and there goes your life.
Letting loose of my feelings like a running river, I vowed to myself that I will never let anyone grab any opportunity to do this to me again. Ever. I sat on the isolated stairs, staring at the black sky. There's no sign of blinking stars and the wind caressed me. I shivered. Looking back my life, I never screwed anything up like this before. I went through interviews and they were never like this. Maybe at the very first place I personally do not have the passion in it. But, how could they destroy my confidence in just a blink of eye? Whats that I do not possess creativity, that nothing differs me from others? How dare them.
That was the last straw. I felt stupid in my entire one month life. I felt pointless putting in efforts to do things. Chemistry made me feel stupid. The marks and grades I got for my practical just proved to me that my skills are still below average. I could never get my titration done properly. It's always not enough time, error in preparing the substance etc. Fortunately I did not failed any of my tests but the marks I've got is really atrocious. I am not prepared for this. Physically and also mentally. What's wrong with me? The teachers must have thought that I am such a stupid kid. I am always the one that gives the wrong answer. There were times in my life I felt like this. The last time was before SPM. The problem is I do not expect stress and pressure to come so fast. I thought they will be away until next year. But I was wrong. As soon as I began running in the A levels race, the pressure comes along.The teachers referred us as the Bursary students, the group that is expected to be top in the world. I do not know whether I really belonged here, that I have made a right decision, that I can hold on or not. Forget about it.
I could not forgive them. I am not mad about it anymore but the minute I saw any of the members, I walk away. I could not bear the thought of talking with the bunch of idiots slash monkeys slash think-you-so-great morons.
I decided. I need assurance. I need my family. I need support.
Everything is so freaking different nowadays, not to say that I've made a crazy decision to quit ausmat and go on my a levels life but then i dont know. Sometimes i feel lost. And I really dont know what I'm doing. What I'm aiming for. What I'm really meant for. And what freaks me out is that the path that im heading to is not an easy path but a path to the top universities. They told me all those top students used to break down in their university life before they are even successful. They were lost. They forgot what drove them there. They could not find reasons to hang on, to move on and at that moment of life they feel senseless. But the point is, I have been trying really damn hard, to prove to everyone that I'm not like them, that I'm special, that I'm capable in dealing my own problems. And. It doesnt work.
It really doesn't work. I dont want to be like any of them. I dont want to feel senseless, to feel empty and lost. I actually hated the thought of being weak. I deny my weakness. I deny my unabilities. I dont wanna see through it and admit that I'm not strong enough. In actual fact I dont want anybody to even recognise a slight weakness in me and that is why. That is the exact reason that make me weak. The mind cept that do not wanna surrender, to not wanna lose, the so called kiasu-ness in me. This spirit can be powerful and useful but it did the opposite to me. And so. I broke down. I succumbed to failure.
The faces burnt in my memory. The way they convey their messages through the way they look at me, through their body language, through their very choice of words. FUCK. I know I'm not good enough, I'm not fit to be in there so what. Get up and walk out of the door. The very minute I'm out of the room, i was surrounded by crowds, peers. Their look and the hope of further questioning me about the session drives me nuts. The moment one asked how was it, I screamed inside my heart. I barked, "Nothing better!" and stormed off. My vision blurred. The frustration and anger enveloped me. I could not think and the tears in my eyes scalded me. It hurts. It really does. I could not hold on anymore, not even a second. As the familiar ringtone rang, I answered in difficulty. It's almost impossible for me to figure out what the other party had been babbling about, not with all the furies and fire burning in me. In the midst of mapping what the other party was saying, I kept breathing in and out, trying to calm down, trying to cool my emotions and getting control over them. I figured my way to the dark alley and continued to walk, faster and faster. I ended up bursting into tears. Releasing my wrath, my depression, my sentiments.
As the tears flowed down my cheek, so do my hope draining out of me. I fell into a pit of darkness where I could not see myself and fear engulfed me. The sentence "anyone out there could be better than you. I do not see the point of including you into the team" and the scene replayed a zillion times in my head. The more I wanted to get it out of me the harder it turned out to be. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps I do not belonged here. Maybe I shouldn't have taken up the challenge because I could not conquer it. And she warned me against it already. It was my choice that I got into that situation. The situation where all my weaknesses are exposed and I was there opened up like a cheap magazine waiting for people criticize and tear me apart. And they were welcomed to do that. In fact, in the society everyone is like a hungry tiger that longed to rip anyone into pieces as soon as their mistakes had been spotted and verified. This is the materialistic part of the world, the one that we are not aware of or more appropriately protected from, by our parents and elders.
As time passes, the cruel facts started sinking in our heart. Though we might not like it but there they are, all lying out there for us to discover. It is like figuring your way towards paradise, towards your dreams, but the path, it is fulled with grenade buried underground. One single step that you accidentally took, Boom. It goes off and there goes your life.
Letting loose of my feelings like a running river, I vowed to myself that I will never let anyone grab any opportunity to do this to me again. Ever. I sat on the isolated stairs, staring at the black sky. There's no sign of blinking stars and the wind caressed me. I shivered. Looking back my life, I never screwed anything up like this before. I went through interviews and they were never like this. Maybe at the very first place I personally do not have the passion in it. But, how could they destroy my confidence in just a blink of eye? Whats that I do not possess creativity, that nothing differs me from others? How dare them.
That was the last straw. I felt stupid in my entire one month life. I felt pointless putting in efforts to do things. Chemistry made me feel stupid. The marks and grades I got for my practical just proved to me that my skills are still below average. I could never get my titration done properly. It's always not enough time, error in preparing the substance etc. Fortunately I did not failed any of my tests but the marks I've got is really atrocious. I am not prepared for this. Physically and also mentally. What's wrong with me? The teachers must have thought that I am such a stupid kid. I am always the one that gives the wrong answer. There were times in my life I felt like this. The last time was before SPM. The problem is I do not expect stress and pressure to come so fast. I thought they will be away until next year. But I was wrong. As soon as I began running in the A levels race, the pressure comes along.The teachers referred us as the Bursary students, the group that is expected to be top in the world. I do not know whether I really belonged here, that I have made a right decision, that I can hold on or not. Forget about it.
I could not forgive them. I am not mad about it anymore but the minute I saw any of the members, I walk away. I could not bear the thought of talking with the bunch of idiots slash monkeys slash think-you-so-great morons.
I decided. I need assurance. I need my family. I need support.
27/11
一闪一闪亮晶晶 满天都是小星星 (现代版)
满了一整天 换来休息的free period 还不错
朋友生病了 要照顾
忙忙忙 书都读不完
累累累 累了也要拼
不知道自己在忙什么
今天是yan ying的生日
也是uncle的生日
uncle 生日快乐 (:
满了一整天 换来休息的free period 还不错
朋友生病了 要照顾
忙忙忙 书都读不完
累累累 累了也要拼
不知道自己在忙什么
今天是yan ying的生日
也是uncle的生日
uncle 生日快乐 (:
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Thursday, May 17, 2012
Dreams (:
today woke up in a dream..
dreamt about my new 2012 life in college..
saw Ruby Law in my dreams..
and a few friends...
we chat, we played, we formed our own unique group
we joked, we laughed and we carved memorable memories in our life..
I remember their laughter, their smile, their way of talking..
I see them in my life, changing me into who i am now..
the moments we spent together are priceless.,
nothing could replaced it..
suddenly so miss ruby law -.-
that cha bo, everyday new picture one! hahah
i wonder will we meet again after this year..
although i quitted AUSMAT already,luckily im still in sunway (:
Ruby Law! you dare to forget me one day then you know!
I bec ghost also haunt you ar! hahahhaha :P
--ahjo's secret garden--
dreamt about my new 2012 life in college..
saw Ruby Law in my dreams..
and a few friends...
we chat, we played, we formed our own unique group
we joked, we laughed and we carved memorable memories in our life..
I remember their laughter, their smile, their way of talking..
I see them in my life, changing me into who i am now..
the moments we spent together are priceless.,
nothing could replaced it..
suddenly so miss ruby law -.-
that cha bo, everyday new picture one! hahah
i wonder will we meet again after this year..
although i quitted AUSMAT already,luckily im still in sunway (:
Ruby Law! you dare to forget me one day then you know!
I bec ghost also haunt you ar! hahahhaha :P
--ahjo's secret garden--
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