The past

It had been ages since i last visited and write down my feelings my thoughts.

Everything is so freaking different nowadays, not to say that I've made a crazy decision to quit ausmat and go on my a levels life but then i dont know. Sometimes i feel lost. And I really dont know what I'm doing. What I'm aiming for. What I'm really meant for. And what freaks me out is that the path that im heading to is not an easy path but a path to the top universities. They told me all those top students used to break down in their university life before they are even successful. They were lost. They forgot what drove them there. They could not find reasons to hang on, to move on and at that moment of life they feel senseless. But the point is, I have been trying really damn hard, to prove to everyone that I'm not like them, that I'm special, that I'm capable in dealing my own problems. And. It doesnt work.

It really doesn't work. I dont want to be like any of them. I dont want to feel senseless, to feel empty and lost. I actually hated the thought of being weak. I deny my weakness. I deny my unabilities. I dont wanna see through it and admit that I'm not strong enough. In actual fact I dont want anybody to even recognise a slight weakness in me and that is why. That is the exact reason that make me weak. The mind cept that do not wanna surrender, to not wanna lose, the so called kiasu-ness in me. This spirit can be powerful and useful but it did the opposite to me. And so. I broke down. I succumbed to failure.

The faces burnt in my memory. The way they convey their messages through the way they look at me, through their body language, through their very choice of words. FUCK. I know I'm not good enough, I'm not fit to be in there so what. Get up and walk out of the door. The very minute I'm out of the room, i was surrounded by crowds, peers. Their look and the hope of further questioning me about the session drives me nuts. The moment one asked how was it, I screamed inside my heart. I barked, "Nothing better!" and stormed off. My vision blurred. The frustration and anger enveloped me. I could not think and the tears in my eyes scalded me. It hurts. It really does. I could not hold on anymore, not even a second. As the familiar ringtone rang, I answered in difficulty. It's almost impossible for me to figure out what the other party had been babbling about, not with all the furies and fire burning in me. In the midst of mapping what the other party was saying, I kept breathing in and out, trying to calm down, trying to cool my emotions and getting control over them. I figured my way to the dark alley and continued to walk, faster and faster. I ended up bursting into tears. Releasing my wrath, my depression, my sentiments.

As the tears flowed down my cheek, so do my hope draining out of me. I fell into a pit of darkness where I could not see myself and fear engulfed me. The sentence "anyone out there could be better than you. I do not see the point of including you into the team" and the scene replayed a zillion times in my head. The more I wanted to get it out of me the harder it turned out to be. Perhaps he was right. Perhaps I do not belonged here. Maybe I shouldn't have taken up the challenge because I could not conquer it. And she warned me against it already. It was my choice that I got into that situation. The situation where all my weaknesses are exposed and I was there opened up like a cheap magazine waiting for people criticize and tear me apart. And they were welcomed to do that. In fact, in the society everyone is like a hungry tiger that longed to rip anyone into pieces as soon as their mistakes had been spotted and verified. This is the materialistic part of the world, the one that we are not aware of or more appropriately protected from, by our parents and elders.

As time passes, the cruel facts started sinking in our heart. Though we might not like it but there they are, all lying out there for us to discover. It is like figuring your way towards paradise, towards your dreams, but the path, it is fulled with grenade buried underground. One single step that you accidentally took, Boom. It goes off and there goes your life.

Letting loose of my feelings like a running river, I vowed to myself that I will never let anyone grab any opportunity to do this to me again. Ever. I sat on the isolated stairs, staring at the black sky. There's no sign of blinking stars and the wind caressed me. I shivered. Looking back my life, I never screwed anything up like this before. I went through interviews and they were never like this. Maybe at the very first place I personally do not have the passion in it. But, how could they destroy my confidence in just a blink of eye? Whats that I do not possess creativity, that nothing differs me from others? How dare them.

That was the last straw. I felt stupid in my entire one month life. I felt pointless putting in efforts to do things. Chemistry made me feel stupid. The marks and grades I got for my practical just proved to me that my skills are still below average. I could never get my titration done properly. It's always not enough time, error in preparing the substance etc. Fortunately I did not failed any of my tests but the marks I've got is really atrocious. I am not prepared for this. Physically and also mentally. What's wrong with me? The teachers must have thought that I am such a stupid kid. I am always the one that gives the wrong answer. There were times in my life I felt like this. The last time was before SPM. The problem is I do not expect stress and pressure to come so fast. I thought they will be away until next year. But I was wrong. As soon as I began running in the A levels race, the pressure comes along.The teachers referred us as the Bursary students, the group that is expected to be top in the world. I do not know whether I really belonged here, that I have made a right decision, that I can hold on or not. Forget about it.

I could not forgive them. I am not mad about it anymore but the minute I saw any of the members, I walk away. I could not bear the thought of talking with the bunch of idiots slash monkeys slash think-you-so-great morons.

I decided. I need assurance. I need my family. I need support.